Breathe in, breathe out

I guess that if I tell you that organizing a wedding is not the most fun thing in the world, I wont be telling you anything you haven't already heard.

But really- IT'S NO FUN AT ALL!!!

I find myself thinking if I'd even enjoy that day.

I'm more looking forward to the party we're organizing before the wedding, to which a lot more ppl are invited. A lot of friends I haven't seen in a while are coming to this party.

Unfortunately, since my grandpa died exactly 30 days before the wedding, my dad and his wife and my 3 brothers can't come to that event, but they're coming to the wedding itself- which makes me really happy.

My friends from Israel? only one couple is coming and even they said they might not be there for the first event. They might be traveling around the area with her parents instead. I mean. WTF?! they're coming to Germany especially for our wedding, and they're gonna be in the area on the date of that party, but they're not gonna come?! I sent them an e-mail saying that it's important for me that they're there. I hope they get the message.

I keep feeling like this wedding has nothing to do with me. All the ideas on how to do things and what to do weren't mine. I feel like I lost it somewhere and it became other ppl's event.

nowadays I'm doing my best to bring these little things that will make the difference, the ones I thought about- to make it come closer to how I imagined it to be. A bit more of "me" and "us" into this wedding, for the balance.

I really don't know who might be reading this- but I had the urge to spill it all out.

I want to feel comfortable on that day. I wanna feel like myself. I want to hear only music I like on that day, or that I chose. I want to be able to spend time with whoever I want whenever I want. I want to feel in my own skin, to be happy and relaxed, not to think all the time if the 30 ppl around me get along with each other...

I'll be glad when it's behind me and went well.