Re"patriation"

We're back where we've left.

It's called Repatriation. But it's not really where I belong, so I don't feel any patriotism. Not that I feel patriotic towards any country.

Moreover, the people who left this place almost 5 years ago, were very different from us now.

We've changed. A lot.

We've also moved to a new neighborhood, not even the one we are aiming to settle in to, because our house isn't ready yet. And we feel like aliens.

Our friends from before? The ones that were still in touch with us were really happy to have us here again.

But they're used to us not being here. So we have to be very active in order to see them.

And, we are not the same.
So, we don't always know what to talk about.

We've experienced so much. We've seen the world. Met people of so many other cultures.

We've been through really hard times.
How can we even start talking about that?
We're scarred. And this scar is deep and nobody can see it.

And we tell a little bit about it. But words somehow never seem to be enough to explain.

And so, we both feel very alone.

Nothing

I was going to post this on Facebook, but I chickened out.
I don't think it's the right platform.
So I'll just spill it here.

Nothing prepares you for being the mom of "that" kid. The one who doesn't blend in.

Not even being that kid yourself. 

Nothing prepares you for not being understood. Nothing prepares you for realizing, nobody cares. You are alone in this.

Nothing prepares you for losing social contacts because of this. 

The price of having a different child

On the surface everything looks normal.
Happy family with 3 kids.

We are mostly happy.

But I don't feel normal.

You see, my son is not very normal. At least to other people's standards.
He has a hard time fitting in socially. He is very sensitive and tends to overreact very quickly.
He learned to control himself a lot.
He's doing his best.
But that is sometimes not enough.

I can go on and on about it, but right now what hurts me most is the fact that we, his family, are losing friendships over this.

People stay away. Even people we considered good friends.

I'll never be able to prove they took a step back because of not being able to deal with his behavior.
But I know it. I just do.

The pain is real and the thought of never being able to make new friends who also care about us as a whole family, hurts.

We move a lot. Therefore we have to make new friends everywhere we go, every few years. It's hard enough to do that as is, it's a hundred times harder when you have a special child.

Our energy  is very often spent on helping him out, at school, with other kids etc. We have two more daughters who also need our attention. And so, outside relationships are much harder to maintain. We try. We are both very social people and we need friends just as much as we need family.
Which makes it all even worse. Seeing new people who find us interesting and nice, turn their backs on us and cool down, call less, invite less, cut us out.

Transparent

This year was not supposed to be about me.
It was planned to he about him.
Knowing that ahead still doesn't help me now.
I feel transparent.
I explain what bothers me, how I feel, and he takes it as criticism.
I'm sick of arguing in circles.
I want to see the light in the end of my dark tunnel, he sees it as if he's doing his best to take us to a desirable direction.
I don't relate to this style of living at all. This is what he longs for.
I want to learn to be satisfied with less, for him nothing is enough. More is better.

I'm looking for the restart button.

Tell me where home is

I chose this as the name of the domain, because I don't have an answer to that.
I don't really feel at home anywhere, but I also get used to where I am at every place we live. Kind of at home.

It feels like a huge hole in my heart.
I can't tell where I would feel 100% comfortable, and I know there's no 100%. Every place has advantages and disadvantages.
Still for most people, there's this one, maybe two places, they can say they'd prefer living in.

It feels so lost.

New place

I haven't written in ages.
I felt like everything I write is being analyzed and judged by the ppl I know who read this blog.
So I wrote less and less.
And life also didn't leave much time or power to sit and write.
Especially not the kind of writing that needs a constant attention to every word, being careful I don't offend anyone, or tell too much about them, in a way that invades their privacy.

So I changed the name of the domain.
And changed my username.

I'm not going to write here what the old domain used to be, or my old username, to not connect the two, but it's still the same old blog, with all the posts.

And this change also comes in a time of changes in my life.
We moved. Again. To another country.
This year we're living in France.
New place, new adventures, new people, new everything.

I'll try to write more often, now that the 'censorship' problem is over, I hope I feel more free to write, and maybe even collect some new readers on the way.

Work

This conversation took place while I wasn't around, but I had to share it with the world:

R (3 years old): "dad, what do you do when you're 'at work'?"
Dad: "well, honestly, I sit a long time at my desk and talk to a lot of people all day"
R: "hmm... but dad, we have a desk at home, why don't you work there then?"

Kids are so smart. I tell ya.

Different person, same conversation

"How old is she?" Asked the old lady with the cane, in the underground train.
"9 months" I answered.
"She's so sweet. Oh what a lovely time, my grandchildren are already so big... I miss these times..."

I have a similar conversation with people everywhere I go.

Enjoy this time now, don't wait till it's too late, and your kids or grandchildren are already all grown up.

My mistake

Of course I make mistakes.

I make them all the time.
Every day, every week, every month and every year.

I  make them with both my kids, with my man and with myself.

And they are mine.

Don't take them away from me.

Don't fix them for me.

Let me make them.

It's the only way I'll learn.

When I'll want to fix one, I'll ask for advice.
Maybe from you, maybe someone else.

Because these are my mistakes.

Negotiations

I'm not the first, who believes, that if the world was run by mothers, it would have been a much better place.

My day is full of negotiations.
My son is deep in his horrible terrible twos, and I need to get creative about anything I want him to do.

The first and most important rule is to pick your battles.
If he wants to wear yesterday's little bit dirty pants, let him. If he insists on putting on his jacket only when you're already outside,  let him. If he only agrees on wearing the shoes after you told the shoes to be nice to him and not bother him, do it. (Yes, we're now all about clothes).

Second rule is stick to what you first said.
If you said it's the last show he's allowed to watch on TV, don't let him watch another one, no matter how much he begs. Same goes for chocolate or bedtime. There's a reason that's what you've decided in the first place, and once you said ok against your first decision, your word is worth much less.

Third, be creative and keep it fun.
If the only thing that convinced him to go bathe was the fact that you told him that his rubber animals need a bath, then bathe them properly with him, including the tooth brushing :-)
If all he wants is that you tell him the story you made up about his zoo stickers on his bed, then tell it again. And again.

My day is full of negotiations.
Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to run the world.