High maintenance

Thanks to Facebook, I got to be in touch again with ppl I haven't talked to in ages. Ages can be more than 10 years sometimes... In the last few weeks I've been telling at least 20 ppl from my past what's up with me nowadays. Some got the short version and some the longer one. Some asked more questions than others and some told me what they think about my life. They think that it's so exciting. It sounds so amazing and interesting and different. Even though there's so many Israelis that go abroad and live and learn and experience. On days like today I wonder if they're even close to the truth. I wonder how important these experiences are. I know it builds my personality, and learning languages and getting to know new cultures is something that I will thank in years from now. But on days like this one- I wonder what's the point in all that. Why today of all days? Well it's just another day I feel lost in the language. I feel that German is way too complicated to comprehend as an outsider. I feel there's no point sitting in class and learning the million grammar rules- if I don't feel that I can actually speak.
Having this kind of 'exciting' life needs very high maintenance: it starts with days you just wish you were in your homeland- coz of the weather, or the food, or the ppl, or the language, or how easy it is to do things - coz you really understand how to. It also brings you to a very lonely place sometimes, no matter how many ppl are around you, and even when the person that you love so much is just next to you. You are reminded on a daily basis that you are different. You are shown that if you just lay back, relax and basically do nothing- your feeling about the place will stay stuck where it is- coz you wont make any progress with the language, will not meet any new ppl to hang out with, and in the end- what's the point of being "somewhere else" if you don't get to taste everything that it brings with it? Changing your life and the place you live in so often, being a foreigner everywhere you go, speaking a language you don't really connect to, learning it without knowing exactly why, all these things really take a lot of my energy. I feel like I put myself on a very low flame, and there's hardly any energy coming through. The weather of course doesn't help. I don't hate it yet- it's cold but not too bad, but when you feel like there's no purpose to what you're doing, a sunny day can make you feel all better as if you were on Prozac...
German has such specific words. They have a different word for "rose by" and "rose to", they have a different word for "melts in your mouth" and just "melts". It feels so impossible to speak correctly- coz you know that you're probably using the wrong word. If there's too many options- you must choose the wrong one, no?
It feels that the ppl here are really like that sometimes. Everything is so precise- you have no gray zones to go to. No flexibility. none. The stereotypes are generally true. We call it being Jeke (pronounced: Yeke). Liking everything exact. Precise. Correct. Familiar. Not different. Just let me have my cup of coffee with exactly 138 grains of sugar in it, 2.67 ml of milk, and let it be a kind that I already know and like. It should be served to me at exactly 16:04. God forbid it's anything different. I will just die.
Of course I'm overreacting, but writing and overreacting goes together. I can't really explain to you these kind of things without exaggerating.
Going to make lunch. Hopefully will feel like writing more later. It helps. Me.