Transparent

This year was not supposed to be about me.
It was planned to he about him.
Knowing that ahead still doesn't help me now.
I feel transparent.
I explain what bothers me, how I feel, and he takes it as criticism.
I'm sick of arguing in circles.
I want to see the light in the end of my dark tunnel, he sees it as if he's doing his best to take us to a desirable direction.
I don't relate to this style of living at all. This is what he longs for.
I want to learn to be satisfied with less, for him nothing is enough. More is better.

I'm looking for the restart button.

Tell me where home is

I chose this as the name of the domain, because I don't have an answer to that.
I don't really feel at home anywhere, but I also get used to where I am at every place we live. Kind of at home.

It feels like a huge hole in my heart.
I can't tell where I would feel 100% comfortable, and I know there's no 100%. Every place has advantages and disadvantages.
Still for most people, there's this one, maybe two places, they can say they'd prefer living in.

It feels so lost.

New place

I haven't written in ages.
I felt like everything I write is being analyzed and judged by the ppl I know who read this blog.
So I wrote less and less.
And life also didn't leave much time or power to sit and write.
Especially not the kind of writing that needs a constant attention to every word, being careful I don't offend anyone, or tell too much about them, in a way that invades their privacy.

So I changed the name of the domain.
And changed my username.

I'm not going to write here what the old domain used to be, or my old username, to not connect the two, but it's still the same old blog, with all the posts.

And this change also comes in a time of changes in my life.
We moved. Again. To another country.
This year we're living in France.
New place, new adventures, new people, new everything.

I'll try to write more often, now that the 'censorship' problem is over, I hope I feel more free to write, and maybe even collect some new readers on the way.

Work

This conversation took place while I wasn't around, but I had to share it with the world:

R (3 years old): "dad, what do you do when you're 'at work'?"
Dad: "well, honestly, I sit a long time at my desk and talk to a lot of people all day"
R: "hmm... but dad, we have a desk at home, why don't you work there then?"

Kids are so smart. I tell ya.

Different person, same conversation

"How old is she?" Asked the old lady with the cane, in the underground train.
"9 months" I answered.
"She's so sweet. Oh what a lovely time, my grandchildren are already so big... I miss these times..."

I have a similar conversation with people everywhere I go.

Enjoy this time now, don't wait till it's too late, and your kids or grandchildren are already all grown up.

My mistake

Of course I make mistakes.

I make them all the time.
Every day, every week, every month and every year.

I  make them with both my kids, with my man and with myself.

And they are mine.

Don't take them away from me.

Don't fix them for me.

Let me make them.

It's the only way I'll learn.

When I'll want to fix one, I'll ask for advice.
Maybe from you, maybe someone else.

Because these are my mistakes.

Negotiations

I'm not the first, who believes, that if the world was run by mothers, it would have been a much better place.

My day is full of negotiations.
My son is deep in his horrible terrible twos, and I need to get creative about anything I want him to do.

The first and most important rule is to pick your battles.
If he wants to wear yesterday's little bit dirty pants, let him. If he insists on putting on his jacket only when you're already outside,  let him. If he only agrees on wearing the shoes after you told the shoes to be nice to him and not bother him, do it. (Yes, we're now all about clothes).

Second rule is stick to what you first said.
If you said it's the last show he's allowed to watch on TV, don't let him watch another one, no matter how much he begs. Same goes for chocolate or bedtime. There's a reason that's what you've decided in the first place, and once you said ok against your first decision, your word is worth much less.

Third, be creative and keep it fun.
If the only thing that convinced him to go bathe was the fact that you told him that his rubber animals need a bath, then bathe them properly with him, including the tooth brushing :-)
If all he wants is that you tell him the story you made up about his zoo stickers on his bed, then tell it again. And again.

My day is full of negotiations.
Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to run the world.

Friends

It's the same old story.
Israelis who live around the world very often complain about the same thing: the difficulty making good friends abroad.

I have friends here. I actually managed to meet and make good friends everywhere I was in the world.
Some stuck till now, and we see each other whenever there's a chance, but obviously if they live in another country or another continent, it's not very often.

I also made very good friends here in Munich. I see them whenever I can. Some have kids, and that's how we met, and some don't. Having kids makes it much harder to plan something with friends.

Thing is, that here in Germany (and maybe anywhere else but Israel), it's really hard to make plans with someone spontaneously. I think that it also has something to do with the size of the city. When the distances are so big between my house and my friends's houses, it makes it more complicated to meet. But I'm not sure that people who live in a smaller town here, meet more spontaneously. Fact is, that even the friends I have who live rather close, I don't meet that often.

In Israel it's very common that you call a friend and ask if they'd like to meet now. Or this afternoon. you almost don't make such plans for the future. Only parties are planned ahead, and also them are only planned a week or two or three in advance. Here in Germany people announce a birthday party about a month or two before the date.

All this makes it very difficult to maintain a social life, when you're used to the other way. I find it sometimes impossible to plan things ahead, especially since I have kids. I find myself without any social plans for a week Rob's gone for a business trip for example.

All this also makes me think about who are my best friends nowadays.
So I have some friends here. Some are close, I would talk to them about anything.
Some I see way to rarely. They're always busy. Or we just can't make it to find a good time for both of us.
Some of the mothers I'm in close touch with went back to work, which makes it even harder to find the time to meet. One friend moved to a town outside of the city. We are still in touch, but much less.

When we go to Israel, although I don't live there for almost 7 years, it's so quick to just meet up with my friends there. And when we meet, it's as if I never left. True, I'm not really up to date with everything in their lives, but with most of it I am. And somehow, these are, until today, still my best friends.
Last time it was really sad for me to leave.
I felt like if we had lived there, my social life would have been much richer.
And again, I do have friends here and Rob does to, and we do meet people often.

Sometimes when I feel like I need to just talk to someone, all these thoughts come up.
I have a group of friends that I met on a forum online. I've met most of them also in real life. I usually chat to them about the daily things and thoughts. But when something happens and I feel less comfortable to chat to them, I suddenly realize, that if I want to meet a friend, right now, and have a real open and relaxed conversation, I don't have that here.

looking for some inspiration

I've had this dilemma for a while now. actually, almost since I've opened this blog.
Should I continue writing it in English? Or should I change to Hebrew?

Obviously I'm much sharper in Hebrew. I write much nicer, faster, more inspired. It's my mother language. I hardly make spelling mistakes. Don't need the spelling check... My Hebrew is so much richer than my English, although my English is not very poor.
I've started writing this blog in English, thinking that this way all my friends and family could read it, including the ones that are not from Israel. I thought it would give me a bigger exposure.
But I think I was wrong.
Most of my friends don't read this blog. If they do, I don't know about it. I think that my Israeli friends prefer reading in Hebrew, if they read blogs at all.
Also my English speaking friends don't really read here, I think. Maybe a few.
So the idea of more exposure to the people I know, didn't prove itself.

New readers I get once in a while I guess, but the fact that I hardly write lately doesn't help. It's difficult to maintain a blog, and an interesting one, with two kids at home.

So I think to myself sometimes, I should write this in Hebrew. I might write more often if it were in Hebrew. It's easier.
But then I feel how awkward it would be to suddenly change the language of the blog.

Anyway, I thought I should share this. Something like thinking out loud.

Murphy's laws for parents 101

1. It's when they're both sleeping, and you're trying to be as quiet as a ghost, that you drop something that makes a lot of noise.

2. You only have the peace and quiet to pump breast milk in the evening. When there's hardly any milk left in you after the baby sucked you out.

3. You forget to do the laundry 1st thing in the morning on the warmest day in weeks. This way you basically missed a whole load that could have dried by the time you came back home in the afternoon and finally started the machine. When you have to wash about 4 times a week (and when the family is bigger than ours, it's even more), this is a crucial point.

4. You're either not invited to anything fun for months or you have to chose between two things that happen at the same time.

5. Your baby will wake up for a night snack, when you were getting ready for bed and only needed to do one more thing (and thus went to bed without brushing your teeth / washing your face / going to the bathroom / writing that last email / preparing your water bottle for those thirsty breastfeeding night sessions).

6. You have so many nice thoughts and ideas for your blog. When you're already in bed, dead tired, and there's no way you're gonna give up precious moments of sleep for that.

7. Your son will wake up while you're writing this post.