Isn't it ironic???

Tell me, isn't this ironic?

There's one master program that I wanted to get in to. It's in Munich, and it's in a direction that really interests me. I decided with Rob that no matter what we'll move there. We were naive to think that I'll get in, and that if not- I'll find what to do. That we'll find a solution that is good for both of us.

There's one master program that I don't really wanna study, but signed up to coz it's almost interesting, and it gave me a free German course at the uni here in Dresden.

I didn't get in to the program I wanted in Munich, although they take 30 people every year, there are quite a few foreigners there, and that it's in English.
But still, Rob already found a good job in Munich- so we're definitely moving there. We even got an apartment.

I did get in to the program here in Dresden, the one I don't really know if I like, although it's in German (and my German is worse than my English), and they take only 20 people every year.
I was told I'm the only foreigner there.

I hate this. And I don't know what to do anymore.

Why am I so sad?

I have the answers to this question.

Not getting in to the program I wanted puts me in a very hard place.
First of all, I have to re-think about what I want to do with my life.
I thought that this program is what I wanted to do.
I thought that this program will make me what I want to become.
I thought that this is what I am interested in.
I thought that this is what is good for me.
I thought that this is what I'm going to be good at.
I thought that this is what I'm going to be.
I thought that this is what I am.

On top of that now, I have to figure out how I'm going to be able to stay here in Germany.
Without studying I'm not going to have a visa.
According to the law I am allowed to learn German one more year, and stay here with that visa.
The problem is that I did already almost all the German levels offered and I only have one more left to do. After that who knows what I'll do.

I hate being hung in the air like that. High and dry.

Don't know who I am anymore.
What I wanna do.
How I'm going to stay in the place I call home?

I'm (left) out

I didn't get in.

This is one of the saddest moments of my life.

The university in Munich didn't accept me.
They said there were many more high qualified applicants.
About a 100. And they only take 30.

This is one of the saddest moments of my life.

I'm so disappointed.

And we have to move there anyway.
Because of me Rob signed a contract for three years to do a PhD there.
I have to move, and I don't want to.
And it's all because of me.

This is one of the saddest moments of my life.

This weekend we're going to look at apartments in Munich.
And I didn't get in.
But I have to move anyway.
And have to find a place to live there anyway.
And have to leave this place in Dresden, which I love so much.

This is one of the saddest moments of my life.

Inscapism

I went to the movies last night with my German friend. It was an Israeli movie called: "The Bubble". I don't wanna tell you exactly what it is about, but in short it's about love between a Jewish Israeli man and a Palestinian man. It's about impossible love. Politically and Socially. It was a good film, not the best I ever watched, but a good one that makes you think. Well... It makes ppl that are not Israeli's think. Me? I just got depressed.
Usually ppl who go to the movies want their good nice piece of escapism. They want to run away for 2 hours. Get away from normal life. This movie for me, as an Israeli, especially one that lives abroad, was a lot more inscapism than escapism. It totally drew me back to the problems there. Took me there by force, like there was a vacuum there that just sucked me back in. I tried to resist but it just didn't work, the force was much stronger than me. It pulled me in like a black hole, and really, there was nothing I could do. It started taking me back to the sad reality. It was worse than reading the news. I can't stop thinking about it. I went to sleep thinking about it. The first thing that crossed my mind when I opened my eyes this morning- was the ending of the movie. Again- I don't wanna spoil it for you- but I'll just say that I got so depressed. The whole day in school today I couldn't think about anything else. And it's not like there's not nice and happy things going on in the movie. There are! But the sad things... And these sad things- they're not even that realistic (to my opinion) they are a bit exaggerated, but still, they made their point. And it did it's job- it made me sad.
The last thing someone says in the movie is something like:

"Maybe one day ppl will see that fighting in wars is so stupid, and loving is so much better.

Nahhh.... No one will."







And on this happy note-
I'll just wish a happy birthday to my cute brother Daniel: he's 7 years old today!!!

Long time no write

Haven't written in a while... Tell you the truth it's been kinda eventful here- even though I've been doing practically nothing... Met most of my friends here, saw most of the family, went over most of my stuff and threw away a lot of things. Gave lots of clothes and shoes to charity. While going over my closet I realized that there's so many things in it that I'll never wear again. That when you live in the same place all the time you just keep them for that once in a season you'll wear them. When you go away for so long- you realize that you've managed with a lot less than that. You tend to keep only the things you really like and need. So that's why I threw out so much of my stuff. I still have 3 drawers to go over, and some boxes in the storage room.

Two of my best friends (the ones that are married) are pregnant. I'm not sure I'm suppose to tell anyone about it- but hey- if they're not reading this (and they better!!!) then they'll never know... When the first one told me about it- I was so happy for her. I mean- it's so weird - but I am really happy for her. Today the second one told me. And of course- I am so so so happy for her. And with that happiness I think I got a bit sad. It took me a while to realize what was making me feel this sadness. And in the car it hit me: I'm not going to be here for them while the pregnancy. I might not even be here when their babies are born. Well to be honest I will probably not be here then coz I'm gonna be studying German in Dresden at the time. And births- as you all know are usually not very planned... I don't even know if I'll be able to be here close to when the babies are gonna be born. And then I realized that I will not be around much when they grow up. I know that these are "just" friends- but they are not "just" friends to me. I feel like I'm gonna be an aunt or something, not just a friend of the kid's parents. So this is really weird for me...

We're having a girls night tonight- celebrating Goni's birthday a month and a bit late. She waited for me to be here, and for the others to have some time to be alone with us on a private celebration. I invited them over here to my house- coz my mom's not here for a week, and my sis agreed happily to go spend the weekend with her boyfriend.

I still feel like I have to shake this weird feeling off of me.