And sometimes it is hard

And you need a break.
And you only want to be alone.
And do nothing.
And say nothing.
And take care of nobody.

The best job

It's challenging, it's tough. You have zero vacations. Zero. No sick days either. You're under payed, and that's an understatement. It's interesting and u always learn something new. You can't really be promoted, but you can make new clients. They are not easy though. They demand all your attention and energy and time. They don't take 'no' as an answer and they will let you know that wherever you are and whomever you're with.
But it's still the best job I've ever had.
I'm my own boss, and I decide today's program. I get to be with ppl I love and adore. I can use my creativity every day. And I have to.
I make the rules and have to make others follow them. I need to be reasonable and fair.
I get to sing, laugh, cry, smile, hug, kiss, play, cook & bake, go for walks, and teach every day.

Being a mom. Really the job I've enjoyed most.

Listen to me

It's the same old cycle: I have an opinion, an instinct, about how to rase my child. The ppl around me have a different opinion. They sometimes let me know what it is, and sometimes just act differently. Sometimes they make a funny face and suggest a different way.
Then I start changing my ways a bit. I do my best to think and decide which way is best. I find myself thinking too much and doing everything wrong. I suffer. My child suffers.
I realize I've been trying to do something that contradicts my believes. I promise myself and my son that I wont do it again.

I do it again.

The most important tipp I've ever heard since I became a mother, was to get ear plugs. Not coz the kid will be loud. But because everyone will allways have something to say about your choises as a parent.
And unless you stop listening to them, and start following your instincts (in case you can recognize them, after years of ignoring them), you'll find yourself very stressed, trying to please everyone else but yourself, and that can make you very unhappy.

His first steps

Were made to reach the plate of chocolates :-)

Back into me

When you become a parent your priorities change completely. You start thinking about the well being of your kids and somewhere along the way you forget your own.
It's normal of course. But it's only when you do something for yourself again, that you realize that you've missed it.
It's when you suddenly look into yourself, and recognize an old friend you haven't seen in a long time. The deeper you go inside and the nicer what you're doing is, the more familiar and comfortable it gets.
You suddenly miss that person, that being, that feeling. You try to plan more time for yourself, more activities you enjoy doing alone, without your kids.

It's not easy for me to plan these things. I want to but I also want to continue breastfeeding (and I still do!), my son still doesn't go to a daycare for all kinds of reasons, and there is no family close enough to help be with him during the week. 
That leaves me the weekends only, when Rob's home and can stay with him. Just that on the weekends I would like to spend time with my family, and so I usually don't plan anything else.

But I must. Because I enjoy it so much and it revives me.

The 52nd week

Nobody counts a baby's age in weeks as soon as the baby is 2, 3 monthes old. However, one theory on babies' development describes the usual mood of a child in every week of his or her first year alive.
We've now entered week 52.
Soon it'll be a year since I went into labor, and thinking about that day makes me very excited and emotional. I can almost feel the thrill of that evening. It was one of the most amazing nights I've ever had, if not the most.
I would do it all over again.
And now, watching this baby grow, is not less exciting.
I can't wait for his birthday, I want him to feel the happiness we feel about him beeing in our lives.

By the way, these kitschi words were written after a few days of not much sleep, and an evening of trying to get this little one to go to bed on time, without success.

I still love it.

Like growing another body part

Yes, I love my baby. And yes, I loved him before he was ever born. In a way. But what isn't obvious is learning to love your new born and leaving space for the other loved ones in your life.

They say the first year of the first born, and actualy of every new baby in the family, is very hard on the parent. The many changes in life, the responsibility, the tiredness, the life changing decisios they need to make, the uneven number 3 that comes in the place of the perfectly ballanced number 2.

They are all right. It's not easy.
The key word is communication. But it's easier said than done. When you don't have much time with your partner alone, the last thing you want to do is talk about the problems and going through them. Sitting together on the couch, watching your favorite tv show is much nicer. But that doesn't help, when the next arguement comes along. Then you tell yourself: why did I not share my feelings last time we disagreed about it?

It takes time to learn the new game's rules. It's a new land for both parents, and they both need to find their way in it and draw their own map. Then they both have to not forget eachother in this map, and learn from eachothers drawings. And third they need to remember that this map is very likely to be changed every day, by the baby, the other parent and by life itself, which brings a new challange on a regular basis.

And what does all this have to do with the titel?
So you love your baby. That's great. And your love grows every day. Every time you look at him. That's super. But the real task is to let your heart grow, so that you can have the same amount of love for both your partner and your baby. And that is like growing another body part. Or just like making your heat bigger. That's what it feels like to me.

It's amazing that ppl can do that.
And yes, we can.

What is work

It's been a year since I stopped working. In Germany you go on maternity leave 6 weeks before your due date. In the end I gave birth about a month after leaving work. 

It is kind of amazing that still nowadays ppl ask me "so... What do you do all day?" and it's not only men who ask that. Some friends also asked me if I don't go crazy at home with my son for so long. 

Well. What do ppl who work in an office do all day? Sit on their chairs and stare at the computer? Talk on the phone? How is that more productive or worth more than taking care of a child? Let me ask something else: why do we call it a job, when a person gets money for it (nanny, kindergarten teacher, care taker) but a person who stays home with their child "doesn't work"?

Those were my thoughts for the anniversary of my maternal leave. 

It's been one of the most exciting, exhausting, interesting, full of events years.

Not ready to let go

I see now, that the last post I've published, was on February 23rd. Wow. That's a long long time ago. I'm really not ready to let go of this blog. Although I hardly write here.

So what's new?
My baby is growing and growing. He started crawling at 7 months. It was when we were in Israel for a few weeks. Since then he improved so much and is really quick.
We moved. To a new apartment, in the same area in Munich. This time there are no stairs to climb. It's on the ground floor.

Liya, my good friend, whom you might remember from my posts from Shanghai, also moved to Munich, and I really hope we'll see eachother often.

I'm writing this post from my ipod touch. Don't know if it's the 1st time I do this, but I hope I would use it more often for this purpose.

I'm now in Israel, came here for my friend's wedding. Going home tomorrow. We've been on the road a lot this summer, and with a baby it's not easy. Now all I have is the flight back home, and I'm hoping to not travel much in the next few months.

I got some really nice comments on the blog lately, and that gave me the push to write again. So thanks for that.

under the weahter

Although the sun is shining at the moment, the weather is not great. It's really cold outside, and it seems like winter has decided to come back big time after not really doing a good job in February.
Taking the baby out in this weather is not really nice, I don't like packing him with a million layers, because he absolutely hates it, and going in and out of stores for example is a nightmare, since the difference in temperatures is way too big.
This doesn't agree with my need to go out and breath some fresh air once a day, see the world and go out of my cocoon. People I urge you to give birth in spring or summer!
My mood is also a bit swingy at the moment. Sometimes I feel really good and then it takes only one word from someone and I feel crappy again.
But the baby is sweet. It's hard being with him alone the whole day, but he's so cute and nice that I feel blesses with that.

knock on wood X 3