Re"patriation"

We're back where we've left.

It's called Repatriation. But it's not really where I belong, so I don't feel any patriotism. Not that I feel patriotic towards any country.

Moreover, the people who left this place almost 5 years ago, were very different from us now.

We've changed. A lot.

We've also moved to a new neighborhood, not even the one we are aiming to settle in to, because our house isn't ready yet. And we feel like aliens.

Our friends from before? The ones that were still in touch with us were really happy to have us here again.

But they're used to us not being here. So we have to be very active in order to see them.

And, we are not the same.
So, we don't always know what to talk about.

We've experienced so much. We've seen the world. Met people of so many other cultures.

We've been through really hard times.
How can we even start talking about that?
We're scarred. And this scar is deep and nobody can see it.

And we tell a little bit about it. But words somehow never seem to be enough to explain.

And so, we both feel very alone.

Nothing

I was going to post this on Facebook, but I chickened out.
I don't think it's the right platform.
So I'll just spill it here.

Nothing prepares you for being the mom of "that" kid. The one who doesn't blend in.

Not even being that kid yourself. 

Nothing prepares you for not being understood. Nothing prepares you for realizing, nobody cares. You are alone in this.

Nothing prepares you for losing social contacts because of this. 

The price of having a different child

On the surface everything looks normal.
Happy family with 3 kids.

We are mostly happy.

But I don't feel normal.

You see, my son is not very normal. At least to other people's standards.
He has a hard time fitting in socially. He is very sensitive and tends to overreact very quickly.
He learned to control himself a lot.
He's doing his best.
But that is sometimes not enough.

I can go on and on about it, but right now what hurts me most is the fact that we, his family, are losing friendships over this.

People stay away. Even people we considered good friends.

I'll never be able to prove they took a step back because of not being able to deal with his behavior.
But I know it. I just do.

The pain is real and the thought of never being able to make new friends who also care about us as a whole family, hurts.

We move a lot. Therefore we have to make new friends everywhere we go, every few years. It's hard enough to do that as is, it's a hundred times harder when you have a special child.

Our energy  is very often spent on helping him out, at school, with other kids etc. We have two more daughters who also need our attention. And so, outside relationships are much harder to maintain. We try. We are both very social people and we need friends just as much as we need family.
Which makes it all even worse. Seeing new people who find us interesting and nice, turn their backs on us and cool down, call less, invite less, cut us out.

Transparent

This year was not supposed to be about me.
It was planned to he about him.
Knowing that ahead still doesn't help me now.
I feel transparent.
I explain what bothers me, how I feel, and he takes it as criticism.
I'm sick of arguing in circles.
I want to see the light in the end of my dark tunnel, he sees it as if he's doing his best to take us to a desirable direction.
I don't relate to this style of living at all. This is what he longs for.
I want to learn to be satisfied with less, for him nothing is enough. More is better.

I'm looking for the restart button.

Tell me where home is

I chose this as the name of the domain, because I don't have an answer to that.
I don't really feel at home anywhere, but I also get used to where I am at every place we live. Kind of at home.

It feels like a huge hole in my heart.
I can't tell where I would feel 100% comfortable, and I know there's no 100%. Every place has advantages and disadvantages.
Still for most people, there's this one, maybe two places, they can say they'd prefer living in.

It feels so lost.

New place

I haven't written in ages.
I felt like everything I write is being analyzed and judged by the ppl I know who read this blog.
So I wrote less and less.
And life also didn't leave much time or power to sit and write.
Especially not the kind of writing that needs a constant attention to every word, being careful I don't offend anyone, or tell too much about them, in a way that invades their privacy.

So I changed the name of the domain.
And changed my username.

I'm not going to write here what the old domain used to be, or my old username, to not connect the two, but it's still the same old blog, with all the posts.

And this change also comes in a time of changes in my life.
We moved. Again. To another country.
This year we're living in France.
New place, new adventures, new people, new everything.

I'll try to write more often, now that the 'censorship' problem is over, I hope I feel more free to write, and maybe even collect some new readers on the way.

Work

This conversation took place while I wasn't around, but I had to share it with the world:

R (3 years old): "dad, what do you do when you're 'at work'?"
Dad: "well, honestly, I sit a long time at my desk and talk to a lot of people all day"
R: "hmm... but dad, we have a desk at home, why don't you work there then?"

Kids are so smart. I tell ya.

Different person, same conversation

"How old is she?" Asked the old lady with the cane, in the underground train.
"9 months" I answered.
"She's so sweet. Oh what a lovely time, my grandchildren are already so big... I miss these times..."

I have a similar conversation with people everywhere I go.

Enjoy this time now, don't wait till it's too late, and your kids or grandchildren are already all grown up.

My mistake

Of course I make mistakes.

I make them all the time.
Every day, every week, every month and every year.

I  make them with both my kids, with my man and with myself.

And they are mine.

Don't take them away from me.

Don't fix them for me.

Let me make them.

It's the only way I'll learn.

When I'll want to fix one, I'll ask for advice.
Maybe from you, maybe someone else.

Because these are my mistakes.

Negotiations

I'm not the first, who believes, that if the world was run by mothers, it would have been a much better place.

My day is full of negotiations.
My son is deep in his horrible terrible twos, and I need to get creative about anything I want him to do.

The first and most important rule is to pick your battles.
If he wants to wear yesterday's little bit dirty pants, let him. If he insists on putting on his jacket only when you're already outside,  let him. If he only agrees on wearing the shoes after you told the shoes to be nice to him and not bother him, do it. (Yes, we're now all about clothes).

Second rule is stick to what you first said.
If you said it's the last show he's allowed to watch on TV, don't let him watch another one, no matter how much he begs. Same goes for chocolate or bedtime. There's a reason that's what you've decided in the first place, and once you said ok against your first decision, your word is worth much less.

Third, be creative and keep it fun.
If the only thing that convinced him to go bathe was the fact that you told him that his rubber animals need a bath, then bathe them properly with him, including the tooth brushing :-)
If all he wants is that you tell him the story you made up about his zoo stickers on his bed, then tell it again. And again.

My day is full of negotiations.
Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to run the world.

Friends

It's the same old story.
Israelis who live around the world very often complain about the same thing: the difficulty making good friends abroad.

I have friends here. I actually managed to meet and make good friends everywhere I was in the world.
Some stuck till now, and we see each other whenever there's a chance, but obviously if they live in another country or another continent, it's not very often.

I also made very good friends here in Munich. I see them whenever I can. Some have kids, and that's how we met, and some don't. Having kids makes it much harder to plan something with friends.

Thing is, that here in Germany (and maybe anywhere else but Israel), it's really hard to make plans with someone spontaneously. I think that it also has something to do with the size of the city. When the distances are so big between my house and my friends's houses, it makes it more complicated to meet. But I'm not sure that people who live in a smaller town here, meet more spontaneously. Fact is, that even the friends I have who live rather close, I don't meet that often.

In Israel it's very common that you call a friend and ask if they'd like to meet now. Or this afternoon. you almost don't make such plans for the future. Only parties are planned ahead, and also them are only planned a week or two or three in advance. Here in Germany people announce a birthday party about a month or two before the date.

All this makes it very difficult to maintain a social life, when you're used to the other way. I find it sometimes impossible to plan things ahead, especially since I have kids. I find myself without any social plans for a week Rob's gone for a business trip for example.

All this also makes me think about who are my best friends nowadays.
So I have some friends here. Some are close, I would talk to them about anything.
Some I see way to rarely. They're always busy. Or we just can't make it to find a good time for both of us.
Some of the mothers I'm in close touch with went back to work, which makes it even harder to find the time to meet. One friend moved to a town outside of the city. We are still in touch, but much less.

When we go to Israel, although I don't live there for almost 7 years, it's so quick to just meet up with my friends there. And when we meet, it's as if I never left. True, I'm not really up to date with everything in their lives, but with most of it I am. And somehow, these are, until today, still my best friends.
Last time it was really sad for me to leave.
I felt like if we had lived there, my social life would have been much richer.
And again, I do have friends here and Rob does to, and we do meet people often.

Sometimes when I feel like I need to just talk to someone, all these thoughts come up.
I have a group of friends that I met on a forum online. I've met most of them also in real life. I usually chat to them about the daily things and thoughts. But when something happens and I feel less comfortable to chat to them, I suddenly realize, that if I want to meet a friend, right now, and have a real open and relaxed conversation, I don't have that here.

looking for some inspiration

I've had this dilemma for a while now. actually, almost since I've opened this blog.
Should I continue writing it in English? Or should I change to Hebrew?

Obviously I'm much sharper in Hebrew. I write much nicer, faster, more inspired. It's my mother language. I hardly make spelling mistakes. Don't need the spelling check... My Hebrew is so much richer than my English, although my English is not very poor.
I've started writing this blog in English, thinking that this way all my friends and family could read it, including the ones that are not from Israel. I thought it would give me a bigger exposure.
But I think I was wrong.
Most of my friends don't read this blog. If they do, I don't know about it. I think that my Israeli friends prefer reading in Hebrew, if they read blogs at all.
Also my English speaking friends don't really read here, I think. Maybe a few.
So the idea of more exposure to the people I know, didn't prove itself.

New readers I get once in a while I guess, but the fact that I hardly write lately doesn't help. It's difficult to maintain a blog, and an interesting one, with two kids at home.

So I think to myself sometimes, I should write this in Hebrew. I might write more often if it were in Hebrew. It's easier.
But then I feel how awkward it would be to suddenly change the language of the blog.

Anyway, I thought I should share this. Something like thinking out loud.

Murphy's laws for parents 101

1. It's when they're both sleeping, and you're trying to be as quiet as a ghost, that you drop something that makes a lot of noise.

2. You only have the peace and quiet to pump breast milk in the evening. When there's hardly any milk left in you after the baby sucked you out.

3. You forget to do the laundry 1st thing in the morning on the warmest day in weeks. This way you basically missed a whole load that could have dried by the time you came back home in the afternoon and finally started the machine. When you have to wash about 4 times a week (and when the family is bigger than ours, it's even more), this is a crucial point.

4. You're either not invited to anything fun for months or you have to chose between two things that happen at the same time.

5. Your baby will wake up for a night snack, when you were getting ready for bed and only needed to do one more thing (and thus went to bed without brushing your teeth / washing your face / going to the bathroom / writing that last email / preparing your water bottle for those thirsty breastfeeding night sessions).

6. You have so many nice thoughts and ideas for your blog. When you're already in bed, dead tired, and there's no way you're gonna give up precious moments of sleep for that.

7. Your son will wake up while you're writing this post.

My recipe for a perfect weekend

The sun came out and all the ppl came out of their holes. Suddenly anything irritating is much more bearable, it's much easier to spend the whole day with the kids.

We haven't done anything special this weekend, but the fact that we spent most of the time outside, in the sunshine, you can see that the kids are enjoying all this time in the fresh air.... We were just strolling around town yesterday, sitting for food in a small cute café, and I had my hair cut, it looks so much nicer now, which also makes me feel better about myself.

Today we went to the zoo with a friend of mine and her son, the two boys were having so much fun they did not want to go into the stroller and have a nap even though they were both really tired.
We had lunch in the garden, with R's sister who's here for a very short visit, and had some Italian ice cream for dessert. That and the sun light, wow, what a difference in the mood it makes. Unbelievable.

So there you go. All you need is some sunshine, fair temperatures, family or other ppl you love, and some nice activities outside, and you're set.

Enjoy spring everyone,

It's finally here.

Hysterically Quiet

These moments are very rare.
He's resting in his bed, listening to music.
She's sleeping in her bed.

Oh and here he called me.
told you it's rare.

Now you understand why I haven't been writing here lately.

Staying home with two kids is definitely not easy. It also leaves you with no time for anything but taking care of your children. There's always one kid that really needs you.
If you also need to make sure there's something for you and for them to eat, 3 times a day and some snacks, then you're really out of breath.
You're just always engaged in something. It could be "just" holding a baby trying to help it fall asleep, or if it's "just" sitting next to the table helping your older kid eat, or if it's "just" playing with your kid in his room, so that he gets some time alone with you.
It's exhausting. Really.

We got a kindergarten place for R, but he's only going to start in fall, till then I'm "home schooling" him while his baby sister is also home.

There are some magical moments. Yes.

But a lot of the time I feel tired, frustrated and sometimes just overloaded. I think that a 2 year difference between siblings is not optimal, especially, if not exclusively when the older one still doesn't go to day care.  I see other parents of siblings that are both home, and when it's a year difference, it's almost easier, since the older one hasn't yet hit those terrible, horrible twos.
When it's 3 years and more, the older kid can already go to kindergarten (meaning- will have a place in a governmental day care place, by law) which gives the again new mom (or dad, whoever stays at home) a bit of time alone with the baby, which is something I really yearn for now.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, after the 10 minutes of quietness I had, I was disturbed by multiple reasons. So... I hope you understood at least a bit of it.

Sometimes in bed, just before falling asleep (if that doesn't happen in 2 seconds) I "write" a whole post in my head, but then I never really write it down.

So I hope I will come here again soon and write some of my thoughts.

Have a good week everyone!

The power of 2

Just popped in to say that a week ago today, I gave birth to a sweet baby girl.

It was another amazing natural birth, we went home from the birth house 3 hours after she was born.

In that note, here's something I think all women should watch:

Will try to come back soon and tell more...

I'm such a bad blogger

I haven't written a thing in ages.

That's because I'm not very good in hiding information, at least not the kind that affects my life tremendously.

The info is that I'm cooking something right now, a sibling for my son :-)

The beginning was really rough and it took me a while to recover, but now it's all good. Knock on wood of course.

Other than that, life is pretty much the same, and I feel like I might bore my readers with mother stories, so I don't share them, although every day with my almost 2 year old son, brings lots of interesting things, especially laughs and challenges.

So, sorry again for a short post, just wanted to excuse myself,

hope to be writing something interesting soon again!

update

I'm fine, really

just busy, and I guess I'll have some more time to tell you all about what's going on with me some other time....

but I'm still here :-)

Deal

Sometimes you dont want to deal with things.
Simply coz u know that the other side will never change.
Especially if you've known them for your entire life, and u know that it's only going to get worse with time and age.
It's a dead end road and u know it and it sucks.

Total mom

Today I've got flowers.
It was one little branch from the garden, and I got it right after the morning shower.
Tiny came to me and gave me the flower, very curious how I would react.

It's mothers day today. Although, in my home town we celebrate it on a different date. The first mayor made his wife's Hebrew date birthday into the city's mothers day. So we celebrate it on the second day of Chanukah.

Anyway, it's mothers day here and everywhere, and I got flowers.

I realized today, that some ppl are very total about all kinds of things. Some love their job and work all the time. Some love their partners so much, they can't imagine living without them. Some dedicate their lives to their hobbies.

I've never felt so total about something like I feel as a mom. (although I can't imagine my life without Rob ;-)). There was nothing I wanted to dedicate myself to like this. Not my studies, not my jobs. Nothing. It was more of a realization than a tacky feeling.

I think it's sad, that I feel like I need to be a bit ashamed for saying that. The new emancipated woman is supposed to want to work, not only think of making babies and providing for them.

But I don't want to apologize for the way I feel. I'm not only a woman. I'm a parent.

And yes, I know I write about this a lot... I can't help it.